A brief history of iPods.

If you've been outside in the last 30 years then you may have noticed a company called Apple. If you haven't been outside in the last 30 years then go and see a psychiatrist or stop being odd. Apple is headed by our supreme overlord Steve Jobs who I - for one - welcome as our new swine-flu defeating god. He had an idea about 15 years ago, while he was listening to his walkman, that he should make a USB device that plays music. 5 years later the first ever iPod came out. People gazed at the sheen on the back of this wonderous device. It came in 5/6 colours and had a little half-eaten apple on the back. We all see what you did there Steve...we all see!

Soon problems arrived. Everyone laughed at the awfulness of the first iTunes and no-one wanted to shell out £200+ for something which held as many songs as a cheap Argos CD rack. There was nothing on iTunes store and the colours lost their sheen after you left the shop. Lots of people got angry and Steve Jobs went all 'Pinky and the Brain' and made the proper iPod. Ahh, the iPod classic. So simple and so perfect.

A few months later something called the iPod mini came out and suddenly men saw how cheap it was and bought one instantly not realising that it was the Mazda MX-5 of MP3 players. They're small and cute, much unlike its big older brother who guarded his little mini-sister from the brothels of Microsoftland.

At this point Bill Gates gets pissed off and starts working on his own MP3 player (cue evil and over-dramatic music). Back in Steve Jobs' space-station, he tells his slaves to make an even bigger classic...and things called podcasts. Everyone loves the new classic, everyone loves the idea of podcasting. Everything works out for Stevie and Bill decides that his MP3 sucks so hard that he'll sell the design to Sharp.

Next comes the nano and the shuffle. The nano was basically the new mini and the shuffle was basically an iPod for people who don't 'do' screens. Both were cheap and fantastic in their own ways. But people got bored of bigger and smoother versions of old iPods. So just before AppleGlobalWeaponSystems LTD make the completely spherical iPod with attached mind-control system...

...he makes the touch. And just before you say I skipped the video iPods: I am skipping the video ones because no one wants to watch Fight Club on a 3 nanometer by 2 nanometer screen. Anyway, the Touch!! What a miraculous device, you can touch the screen to make it move. If you shake the screen then things happen. Applications. Music. HD films. Video Podcasts. Games. This baby has everything you could ever want in an iPod! Well no it doesn't.

Sir Steve Jobs PHD OBH QWE RTY PSC of GlobAppleCorp (leading manafacturers of everything [including oxygen and Pot Noodle]) put a phone in the Touch. This meant you couldn't get the 32gb but who cares? You can listen to your music and talk on the phone at the same time while you play Tap Tap Revenge and order a chinese from your local.

Moral of the story? Apple is awesome in every way. The iPod is the perfect device, the MacBook is fantastic and sleek, the other thing they make that looks like an alien ship is immense. You really can't fault Apple in any way.

Just my thoughts for the day. Good luck people doing GCSE's. Have a good half term other school-going folk and have a good weekend to everyone else.

-Ste...

WAIT! I've forgotten. Sh*t headphones. What the hell is that all about? I can buy a pair of epic Sennheiser HD 205's for a quarter of the price of your shite default headphones. They break after a few weeks and can't handle any bass.

Stupid Steve Jobs.

-Steve