Monday 6 April 2009

The French

So I'm in France, and I'm stealing a poor connection from some peasant in a barn who sells horseshoes for a living. No, I'm being stereotypical; it's more likely the nice chap in the large manor over there who seems to be pointing at me. Well anyway, it' Monday again and I thought it would be apt to talk about that 'surrender -monkeys' that grace this fine country.

Well the weathers good. We departed from the dock at about 6 in the morning GMT+1 and it was pitch black (I looked a bit of a fool trying to read The Book Thief with the flashlight app on my iTouch). But as we travelled through winding Norman B roads to the motorway, the sun rose and all the crusty old French people (like those from 'Allo Allo) appeared from their bright maisons to buy their 'pain' at the 'patisserie'. I stuck a bit of Duran Duran on and slept. When I woke up, I was in the middle of Le Mans, the crusty 'Allo Allo-esque people still wondering back from their morning shop. This made me realise the first thing: French people are happy because life is simple. It goes like this:
-Wake up
-Wash (maybe)
-Buy bread (maybe cheese)
-Eat bread (maybe cheese)
-Sleep
-Make souffle
-Sleep
There is nothing difficult in their lives, they don't have to worry about getting to the next board meeting (or should I say bored meeting) or being up in time to watch Jeremy Kyle shout at a heroin addict. So yeah, the weather makes the French great.

The jobs are also major factors. Lest we forget that most of the French workforce are based around the primary sector of farming and agriculture, who toil hard to make the great French cuisine! The Parisienne is two things:
-A sandwich
-A worker
One tastes great and the other is a sandwich. Back to seriousness; the Parisienne is the sort of person who wakes up, gets on the metro and goes to work - all day every day. Now, when you imagine a Londoner going to work, you see office blocks and water coolers. A Parisienne needs one thing in their life; a laptop with stable internet. This is the schedule for a Parisienne:
-Wake up
-Eat croissant
-Get metro
-Kiss collegues
-Book holiday
-Play online poker
-Go home
-Watch news (probably a strike of some sort will be the headline)
-Sleep
A Parisienne may look stressed in their Chanel blouse and Dior skirt, but they really aren't. The burger flippers in the local Quick restaurant are more stressed than them. And that's what makes French people great. They could be high rolling stockbrokers, but at the end of the day, they may as well be that old crusty man from 'Allo Allo.

So the last sort of person is the southerner. These people are like the northern folk in England. They are all somehow related to each other and are all involved in agriculture. But that's not a bad thing, they don't go around knifing each other or getting in fights. They prefer to have the family or village round so that they can drink some Apéro or eat some cheese. They don't need the work, they only work so they can make wine/cheese/bread [delete where required] for the village. So the southerners day:
-Wake up
-Make a bottle of merlot/pasturise some milk/crush some where [delete where required].
-Invite the family/town around.
-Drink
-Drink
-Eat some cheese
-Drink
-Smoke
-Sleep
So lets look at this in perspective. A british northeners day will be based around [insert stereotype], they will then [stereotype] and probably [stereotype goes here]. A French southener will do toss all and then have a celebratory drink for his/her hard work.

So what would you rather be? The 'busy' Parisienne, the 'Allo Allo extra or the Southerner.


Well here's my answer...none! 'Cos whatever happens, you're still going to be Sarkozy's bitch.

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