Twilight and High Fidelity

In the last week I have watched about 6 films. Three I have enjoyed and three I haven't. Two are English, one is Italian, one is French, one is polish and one is Japanese. You might have heard of five of them and you won't have heard of one of them. Only two contain a mainstream cast and the other four are independant films. In this post, I will talk about two.

The first is a stunner of a film. The music is great, the acting is great, the cast is great, the writing is great and the story is fantastic. No, it's not Twilight. It's High Fidelity. A typically 'British-but-set-in-America' film containing notable names like Jack Black and John Cusak. This film had everything I loved about it, and apparently I am a bit like the character portrayed (excellently) by John Cusak. A fairly quiet chap who loves music and owns a record store. Well I fit one out of those three then.

The story goes that the loveless protagonist owns a record store and is in search of finding the perfect woman. He is dumped by is then girlfriend who then goes to start a relationship with Tim Robbins. Then a load of stuff happens that I don't want to reveal and then it all turns out OK. This is good. This is the sort of film I like. This is why I liked The Boat that Rocked. It had a great soundtrack and I saw myself in some of the characters. Also, the Bruce Springsteen cameo is priceless.

Unfortunately though, this is classed as a rom-com. Which will mean that men who like to lift weights and have sex with twenty-seven women at a time will not watch it. But behind that awful facade of rom-comism lies a warming British comedy. And this is the exact polar opposite to the winner of the academy award for worst novel, film, film adaptation, characters, acting, writing, screenplay and every other 'worst' award in the world.

Twilight, new moon, every other piece of sh*t that comes from the hand of Stephenie Meyer. Utter drivel I tell ya! I'm normally open to all sorts of reading and film but I was unable to read this or watch this. Everything about it is wrong.

I'm sure you've got a good image of the vampire. Teeth, comb-over and cape. Well Stephenie Meyer seems to believe the vampire sparkles. And if that idea isn't bad enough then she also believes that he is pubescent teenager who attends a school in the middle of f*cking nowhere. Then out of nowhere; a load of warewolf rapists come and try to kill the sparkley campire. Then Bella looks desperate (for c*ck) and runs into a forest which suddenly appears by their school.

And since when could vampires stop cars with their hands? And why did Paramore ruin their awesomeness by putting the awesome song (Decode) on the soundtrack. And anyway, what is this film even classed as? Is it romantic-drama? Is it action-romantic-drama? Well I've got the answer. It's in a category saved for films like Terminator: Salvation and Mamma Mia. It's called "straight-to-dvd". This category is for films so awful and painful to watch that they should follow the path of Disney and just send them straight to DVD so that I don't have to stand behind mobs of 10 year old girls screaming "I LUV U ROBBURT PATYSUN" so that I can buy a ticket to see an arty film in some sort of inbred Russian language about a child who was brought up by snowmen and eventually took over Nicaragua through the power of telekenesis.

I think the worst thing though, is that people who I actually have a reasonable amount of respect for say that the books are good and the films can really "relate to real life."

...

SINCE WHEN DID YOU SEE GLOWING F*CKING VAMPIRES AT YOUR F*CKING SCHOOL?? And then how can you turn around and tell me that Stephenie Meyer is a linguistic genius?! The woman wrote a book for 2 year olds then decided to buy a thesaurus and use it on that book then sell it at loud and easily pleased teenagers. That's a point too. Did Stephanie Meyer actually write the book? I read on Digg she stole it from her room-mate in college.

My solution? Go to war with Finland.

It seems to be my solution to everything so why not this?

-Steve

(Hopefully I'll think of something better for next week)